I have to be honest. I am bad about breakfast. And I don’t mean that I miss a breakfast a few days a week. I mean I never eat breakfast(in the morning that is). When I do get around to my first meal of the day, it’s normally at least 9 am, and for someone who gets up at 5, I know I should be eating. Believe me. But my appetite simply does not exist before the san-witching hour of noon or later.
Before this gets derailed, let me explain. It’s not that I don’t like breakfast food. Holy god, the main reason I have a job is so that I can pay for Eggs Benedict. But the thing I have a problem with is eating breakfast foods in the morning.
This is why, for your reading pleasure, I think you should know what a regular 27-year-old woman eats for breakfast sometimes. Do be warned, this isn’t likely to be pretty.
Things I’ve Eaten For Breakfast Since I Turned 25:
5. Red Wine
I feel the need to just start with the most worrisome and reliable breakfast a woman can ask for.
While I wouldn’t recommend starting a working day with a Cabernet, weekends are for the girls, and white or red, you can’t go wrong with a weekend bottle of wine…or five.
Additionally, grapes are healthy and wine is heart healthy, so drinking a bottle of wine is really exactly like going to the gym. Working on your fitness never felt so great, trust me.
4. Gummy Bears
Alright, here is the thing. I do not like candy…
I hate how it makes my teeth feel and when I eat it I incessantly brush my teeth afterward because cavities be damned and also, every person I know who is my age is very paranoid about gum disease…thank you, Kentucky public schools.
On the other hand, I LOVE Gummy Bears. Truly. I am passionate about gummy bears, making them a truly acceptable substitute for any meal at any time of the day.
3. A Ton of Urban Decay Lipstick
If you know me at all, you know that I hardly ever leave my house without wearing lipstick. This is not hyperbole.
I will put on my favorite burgundy before going out the dumpster to throw away my trash. I can be wearing house shoes, yoga pants, and this old CSU hoodie I have and still put on lipstick. This is a subconscious reason I think I might be avoiding breakfast as a whole. It doesn’t matter how great the brand of lipstick– if you eat or drink without a straw, a reapplication is going to be needed. I digress.
This inevitably leads to me eating the world’s most expensive condiment with nearly all meals that occur before 1pm.
2. Leftover Fast Food From Drunken Nights
This is not a proud moment for me. But this list would not be complete if I didn’t at least make a reference to the many McDonald’s sausage biscuits that have fallen victim to a drunken pass-out, only to be reheated in the morning.
I am sure this comes as quite the delight to all of my friends who I have over for seemingly ‘perfect’ dinner parties at least once a week, but from time to time, this gross misuse of my credit card while in a drive-thru at 2 am has resulted in a reheated meal that no one truly should be indulging in after the age of 22.
Yes, even as someone who loves to cook, and is even the slightest bit good at it, I am still first and foremost starving when I wake with a hangover. Shame be gone.
1. Pizza Always & Forever
There have been a number of far more embarrassing breakfasts had in my life.
Cigarettes and black coffee(a well-known dangerous decision) as well as something as simple as chocolate chips or Chex Mix.
I told you to begin with, I am not good at breakfasting. However, if there is one pinnacle non-breakfast breakfast food, pizza is it. Leftover pizza is essentially like a breakfast sandwich, just flatter and triangular and truly contains none of the same ingredients….still, how long do you think it will be before you find yourself with a Starbucks’ coffee in one hand and a slice of “za” in the other?
Whatever your breakfast of choice, please, just don’t make me eat it before noon.